there is an incredibly bitter singe to the past that i was reminded of tonight… 

i felt my heart sink, as if i had momentarily been taken back to the very moment that my heart will never forget… a sting that still exists in the subliminal parts of my heart. 

sitting in my car the morning after.. attempting to have the strength to walk to my class.. I remember driving with this song playing on repeat, and sitting there with such a lifeless look upon my face.

I had never been so broken, felt such sorrow.  Betrayal, abandonment, shock, it was so difficult that it was painful to even be breathing. I remember thinking of the irony in the 3am phone call…. which would still be the worst phone call i’ve ever received to date.. she shattered me..for the first time in my life I had felt my heart burn and disintegrate into a dark ash in a matter of seconds.. merely soot that felt as if it had withered into the wind and would no longer be found. I had nothing but a massive void.. I wondered what kept me alive, what mechanism was keeping the rest of my empty shell alive.  I didnt know I could feel such heartache.I kept gripping my heart necklace as if it would stop my own heart from aching. I kept hitting my chest where my heart is in hopes of subsiding this terrible feeling I had suddenly been overcome with from the moment she hung up the phone that night. A reel of memories flashed within my mind searching for what went wrong, desperately wanting to pinpoint what I had done wrong so I could somehow change the reality that was setting in. shaking my head in disbelief.. 

I had been alone my entire life, only child, parents not really parents… i had been alone.  I really had been alone my entire life… but i had never felt so lonely until the moment she walked away from everything we had built together. & not just walked away but completely betray me in the process.  I had never experienced such a tormenting loneliness. I was experiencing the weight of an empty room.. a pulsing void within me that I was unable to physically reach, forced to let the feeling sit, forced to feel the unbearable.  I had no energy to stand, no energy to move, i barely had the will to blink.  It was the most devastating helpless state I had ever been in.. my eyes were glistening, but i was unable to cry.  I remember thinking of how cruel it was to not be able to cry when i knew that i desperately needed to.  The pain i had felt in that moment was so great that i could not shed real tears, just deep agonizing breaths, shut eyes, and an expression of suffering. I went back and forth between that expression and an expression of complete emptiness.  Barely blinking, apathetic, and staring into space… This song played over and over and I sat there doing and thinking all these things and more for 6 hours… I didnt go to class… I sat there…. motionless… I sat there…. & then I took a deep breath and drove…. I drove to every significant place she and I had ever gone to and I analyzed every moment I could remember…. trying to understand how I ended up where I was… I couldnt understand it…. I wanted to understand… I needed to understand….. I went from place to place to place until i finally broke…. tears subtly started streaming and I yelled at the top of my lungs in anguish.  I fell to my knees and realized that my heart had been obliterated by the one person i had ever completely let in. by the first person I had ever allowed myself to truely love…at that moment I couldnt remember what happiness had ever felt like, my heart was overtaken with every emotion opposed to happiness. 

i’ve come a long way since then.  I have no regrets, and i’ve been through a lot.  No doubt i’m changed from it, but i am a much stronger person from it… it took me years to move on and let that life go. let her go. I guess I think tonight was the first time in a couple years i’ve allowed myself to fully remember such memories of my past…. i’ve let it go, but somehow the heart still has invisible scars that even if you yourself forget it, the heart unfortunately remembers such trauma. 

I look back and I really did move mountains, I never thought I would fall out of that love.  I never thought I’d let that life go, I never thought it was possible to let her go.  But I did.  & even more at that  I never thought it was possible to ever fall in love with another person, or be happy on my own.

 I rebuilt my life, i’m happy on my own, do things for myself and was and am on a mission to be all that I can be.  Even happened to fall in love again, in a completely different way, but still a great and grand way. =) I honestly think she is exquisite beyond measure. She’s wonderful for everything she is and everything she isnt. it’s very possible that I may be a bit broken inside, but I feel a warmth to my heart that I cant even describe when i’m around her. A happiness I never thought i’d ever feel again. But I do when I’m with her. Happy seems like such a little word as if it isnt enough to describe how she makes me feel, but I am exactly that. I’m happy now and I can smile about this all because I am exactly where I am supposed to be in the moments of today… & thats all i can hope for, happiness in the now. Live in the present.  

“you should know baby you’re my angel, nothing’s gonna make you fall from heaven. girl i just wanna love you love you. don’t listen to what people say, they don’t know about you and me. put it out your mind cause it’s jealousy. they dont know about this here.” 

And you can’t lose what you never had, I don’t understand why I feel so sad